Relationships are hard work, especially when it comes to navigating sensitive subjects and calling out your partner for some not-so-nice behaviours. Though saying something about the following 20 relationship pitfalls and traps could be tough, working through them is key to creating a healthy and long-lasting partnership
Not trusting your partner
As Dr. Rob Pascale and Dr. Lou Primavera note in a piece for Psychology Today, trust is a cornerstone of every relationship—it’s slow to build and quick to dissolve. Without it, a partnership will lack stability and security. “The hard truth is a relationship without trust cannot flourish long term. It’s extremely difficult to disregard or de-emphasize such a flaw in your partner, because its existence will leave you feeling insecure about your relationship and that in turn makes it hard to feel emotionally connected,” they write. The solution for trust arguments is almost always counselling, they add.
Critiquing your partner![Critiquing your partner]()
“Criticism is the first of John Gottman’s famous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which predicts divorce with more than 90% accuracy,” Dr. Steven Stosny says to Psychology Today. “If someone tells you you’re critical, you probably are. But there’s even a better way to tell: Think of what you automatically say to yourself if you drop something or make a mistake. Critical people will typically think, ‘Oh you idiot,’ or, ‘Jerk,’ or just curse or sigh in disgust. If you do that to yourself, you most likely do it to others as well.” Remedying this trap is as simple as monitoring your words and thinking about someone else’s feelings before you speak.
Being overly defensive
In any relationship, you have to be able to accept constructive criticism or feedback; and on the flip side, it can be extremely frustrating to deal with someone who makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells. The solution? “Once you can recognize the signs of becoming defensive, learn to do something to change it, such as deep breathing or a simple stretch. Acknowledging what is happening (‘I’m becoming defensive, and I want to take a moment to calm myself so I can hear what you are saying’) provides time and space—and often, compassion—for you and the other person,” notes marriage and family therapist Linda Carroll to Mind Body Green.
Not discussing your issues![Not discussing your issues]()
When one person in a relationship shuts down and withdraws from an argument or a tense situation, this can be a major sign of a trap that could cause long-lasting partnership issues. “A 2016 study from the University of Berkeley, which followed 156 couples over a 15-year period, concluded that stonewalling was independently associated with acute musculoskeletal symptoms such as backaches, neck stiffness, and generalized muscle aches. By contrast, the stonewalled partner was more likely to experience cardiovascular symptoms such as increased blood pressure, tension headaches, and rapid heart rate,” notes Verywell Mind. In order to rid your relationship of this negative communication habit, couples therapy is almost always required.
Blaming your partner for your problems
Dr. Neil Farber notes there are better and more productive ways to communicate negative feelings to your spouse that don’t involve blaming or pointing fingers. “The use of ‘I’ statements that reflect your feelings—‘I feel hurt or sad when you do this,’ rather than ‘you’ blaming statements—‘you always do that,’ are more likely to evoke emotions that bring us together rather than tear us apart,” he tells Psychology Today.
Never saying “thank you”![Never saying “thank you”]()
According to the experts over at Marriage.com, gratitude has been shown to improve the psychological and physical health of partners in a relationship and to reduce arguments. It can also increase intimacy. So how can you make time for saying these two little words?Check out some of these super helpful tips from The Everygirl
Directing your irritability at your partner
If you’re annoyed by life—or even by your partner—there are better and more productive ways to channel those nasty sentiments than directly at your beloved (that will only start a fight). The solution is simple, says Dr. Deborah Davis to Psychology Today: “Own your feelings and see them as a reflection of your sensitivities. In other words, you are not the victim of your partner’s quirks; you’re the victim of your own. Blaming your partner for your misery, discomfort or irritation is unfair and leads to unnecessary suffering for you both.”
Never admitting fault![Never admitting fault]()
Everyone makes mistakes—no one is perfect—which means each partner in a relationship needs to learn how to say sorry when they do something wrong. Getting defensive or trying to justify a nasty action will only lead to distrust and further arguing. The solution? Assuming responsibility for your actions, accepting the consequences of your mistake, making things right and asking for forgiveness. Here are some tips on how to accomplish each from Live About.
Playing the 50/50 game
“Relationships require fairness, not equity,” notes licensed clinical social worker Tonya Ladipo to GoodTherapy of the belief that everything in a relationship should be split 50/50. “Relationship fairness is not about martyrdom or self-sacrifice at all costs. It is about recognizing and respecting your relationship’s needs. Fairness is about the flexibility that is necessary to meet everyone’s needs, including that of the relationship. In order to achieve fairness in your relationship, there are three perspectives that need to be considered: yours, your partner’s and your relationship’s.”
Refusing to compromise![Refusing to compromise]()
Any healthy relationship will involve compromise—from turning down the television when someone is on the phone to doing a favour that someone has asked of you. “While sometimes compromise means one person has to give something up, or extend oneself for the greater good of the relationship, try to also compromise in a positive way, rather than always sacrificing. Negotiate up for something rather than subtract,” notes Dr. Gabrielle Morrissey to My Body and Soul. This will reduce the risk of arguments and feelings of resentment. “Instead of saying you’ll stop doing x or your partner can achieve y, both of you [should] brainstorm ways that you can each achieve y while also gaining another benefit for you both.”
Being too selfless
If you’re one of those people who loves to please people, you may actually be causing (likely unknowingly!) an issue in your relationship. If you ever feel you neglect yourself or have glimmers of resentment for not getting something in return for your actions, you could be in a people-pleasing pickle. “You do not always need to say yes to everyone, and you have a choice to pick and choose what you do and don’t dedicate your time to. Your spare time is exactly that, yours, and you can do what you want with it,” notes TheLawOfAttraction.com. “Once you realize that you have a choice to do what you need to do with your time, it will be easier to see what you can say yes to and what you might need to say no to.”
Not supporting your partner![20 relationship traps sure to cause an argument]()
“Having psychological and emotional support in a relationship creates cohesion between two people,” licensed psychologist Dr. Danielle Forshee tells Bustle. Anything less is a surefire argument starter. “[Support] exemplifies the level of attachment, love and care, as well as stability and predictability of the partner. When support is not present, or when support is not consistently present, it renders the relationship vulnerable to being unsuccessful.” If you feel like you’re not receiving the kind of support you need, the experts at eHarmony UK have an easy suggestion: ask for it! “Don’t assume that your partner cannot or will not support you, instead take responsibility for asking for support in the right way.”
Succumbing to the green-eyed monster
“Jealous feelings can balloon quickly into destructive behavior and cause us to act in ways that are selfish and controlling. It can even cause us to assume things are happening that are not, like seeing a friendly exchange as the sign of an affair, or working late as hiding a secret addiction,” says Dr. Kurt Smith to PsychCentral. As he notes, because trust and respect are necessary in a healthy relationship, this toxic feeling can destroy any love and affection that exists in a couple. “Getting beyond it will take patience, communication and changing of beliefs. If working together on overcoming jealous feelings and behaviors isn’t working, don’t discount seeking help.”
Showing extreme indifference![Showing extreme indifference]()
The happiest relationships are those where both partners are there to hear about the good and bad parts of someone’s day, and to support them through issues they might not think are important. If “you approach your partner with an issue that you would like to vent about… and they are dismissive of you on a regular basis,” it’s a sign they aren’t being as supportive as they could be, licensed psychologist Dr. Danielle Forshee tells Bustle.
Not trying new things
A 2005 study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology found that keeping the spark alive in any relationship requires a little bit of work. And one of the best ways to do that is to try something new with your partner. “From personal and professional experience, I’d suggest couples try to create little surprises to make the other member happy like showing up for a date with your partner’s favorite cookies or bringing a small gift that signifies an inside joke,” life coach Nina Rubin tells Bustle. “I also think it’s important that couples get out of the TV routine and go out,” Rubin says. “A night away feels very special or romantic, as does making a designated [evening] at home where phones are not allowed for a period of time so the couple can truly connect and unwind together.”
Not committing![Not committing]()
According to Dr. Jeremy Nicholson, there are three reasons someone won’t commit to a relationship: satisfaction, alternatives and investment. “Overall, individuals who invest in a partner of any kind, see few alternatives to getting their needs met, and are (at least sometimes) satisfied with the exchange, come to depend on that partner to meet their needs—and ultimately commit to them,” he notes to Psychology Today. His advice is to move on if you and your partner can’t agree on this subject, so you can find someone who is “compatible, who is not overly-focused on alternatives to a relationship, and can come to depend on what you have to offer. Then, find ways to satisfy their needs with minimal costs, while letting them invest in your needs and the relationship too.”
Throwing around insults
“Never allow yourself to be consistently discouraged or torn down by someone who is supposed to love you,” notes author James Sama. “Your significant other should be your teammate, your confidant, and your supporter.” Interestingly, as Live Bold and Bloom notes, “The victim of emotionally abusive behavior quite often doesn’t see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.” Read on for the site’s advice on how to identify emotional abuse, and how to handle it.
Always complaining… about everything![Always complaining… about everything]()
“Complaining can be annoying to the person who is listening to the complaints, especially when the complainer seems unwilling to do anything to resolve the issues about which they’re complaining, and rejects help and advice about how to solve the problem,” Gwendolyn Seidman, associate professor of psychology at Albright College in Reading, Penn., tells the Chicago Tribune. It’s also contagious—as is the negativity that goes along with it. Finding a solution to your issues is often key to saving your partnership and ending arguments, adds Will Bowen, author of A Complaint Free World. “We need to speak directly and only to the person who can resolve the issue, and to do so with sweetness and tact.”
Trying to be in control
“Controlling people use a whole arsenal of tools in order to dominate their partners—whether they or their partners realize what’s happening or not,” Dr. Andrea Bonior tells Psychology Today. “Whether controlling behavior leads to more severe emotional or physical abuse or not, it is not a healthy situation.” Here, she breaks down 20 controlling patterns that serve as a warning sign for any relationship. She also offers seven helpful tips on how to break free from a toxic relationship if couples counselling doesn’t work.
Bailing when times get tough![Bailing when times get tough]()
“If you are undergoing a major life event (health issue, job change, accident, etc.), a supportive partner will make sure to be there for you, not only physically, but emotionally,” Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert at Double Trust Dating, tells Bustle. “If your partner seems to back away when things get difficult, [they might not be] truly supportive.” That, no doubt, will spark an epic argument between the two of you.
