Jessica, a teacher in one of the best Kampala schools, earns more than her husband, Timothy, a chef in one of the restaurants in Kampala. When they met and dated three years ago, the issue of who earned more than the other did not crop up, until they got married.“He started resenting me because my job came with more perks and money. He became hostile and rude and even withdrew love and affection. What was I supposed to do? Be a housewife? She wondered.No! She did not give up on her job.
While she tried to avoid confrontations with him, he later got into extra-marital affairs with another woman, claiming he was disrespected by his wife.Money is usually the number one stickiest issue in relationships and it is even compounded when a woman earns more than her partner. Men are not used to being on the bottom.Traditionally, men are primary breadwinners and this allows them patriarchal power, but when this privilege and responsibility is taken away from them, they feel disempowered and struggle to find their footing in the relationship. As more women are joining the marketplace and earning more than their partners, men need to adjust their perspective and embrace this new reality. Both men and women can help each other be part of the process and create a healthy balance and this is how:
1. Have your finances in common: Couples should have common financial goals and expectations arrived at after taking into account their incomes and expenditures. Couples who do this are likely to last longer in their relationship.“We have a financial plan with Daniel, my boyfriend. We bring both our salaries to the table and together, we plan for it. I make more money than he does, but he is more financially disciplined than I am. I am spendthrift. He has supported me in managing my money better. I do not think we would be building or would have achieved some goals, if it were left to mem,” Caroline says.
2. Respect: Some men report that with their women making more money, respect went out of the window. Ibrahim says: “She is not the woman I dated. She is all airs. She cannot be talked to or corrected. She comes back home after late-night binges and I cannot say anything because she spends her money. She has found new friends and I suspect they are driving her in a wrong direction.”Dr Bishop Williams Beshiisha, of Word of Life Church, in Entebbe, says the duty to respect your spouse (and I mean both husbands and wives) does not go away just because you outearn them. “At the very basic level, we are all human beings, so we each deserve respect.”
3. Be supportive: There is a thin line between gender roles nowadays. Who does what in a relationship, is a big question because the lines have been blurred by changing social landscapes. “Maybe your wife is working longer hours to bring in that cheque. To still demand that she comes back to prepare you dinner or do the housework, when you have been around for the greater part of the evening, is borderline masculine egotistic insanity. Get off your honours and fix your own dinner,” says tough-talking Peter Alex Twesigye, a pastor at Nsambya Full Gospel Church. Couples can be supportive of each other by filling in the blanks when another partner is unable to fulfill their duties.
4. Communicate:Having uncomfortable conversations is healthy for the relationship. He probably feels beaten down for earning less and she feels overwhelmed by earning more and having to foot the greater burden of the family’s bills. This may cause tension in the relationship. Talking about these matters rather than sweeping them under the carpet and hoping that somehow they will go away. Amos says: “At first we were not talking and I resented her. I cheated on her a couple of times, but realised I was just masking my inner need for self-esteem and masculine validation. I decided this was not for me. I quietly abandoned the habit of cheating and started talking to her. She had her own issues so we met in the middle. Though we are not there yet, we have started to walk together. At least our relationship has improved.”
5. Share financial responsibilities: It does not have to be that if she earns more, she should pay all the bills. No! The couple can agree about shared responsibilities, where they do not have to split the expenses and savings evenly, but in his income range, he can take care of certain things, while she takes care of the rest.You can even agree to keep separate accounts to take care of individual treats and a joint account for those expenses that are mutual such as planning to build a house or school fees payments for the children. This way, both partners have the independence to do what they like and feel valued in the relationship.Jude and Martha decided to go this way:
“We both know how much each of us earns and we both know our mutual responsibilities. We always talk about money issues and we have never felt encumbered by the other. We have more financial freedom,” she says.Yes, income disparities can exist in a relationship and they could be in favour of the woman, but this does not have to ruin a good relationship. With the understanding and support of each other, couples can actually grow and thrive.Trust and planning . Seek help .
There is no right way to manage your finances as a couple, but with communication, trust, and a bit of planning, you and your spouse can have a marriage that’s free of conflicts about money. If you are struggling to come up with a joint plan that sits well with you both, seek the professional advice of a financial counselor.
